Singleness & the Church
As a single person, my ears perk up on the rare occasion I hear ‘singles’ mentioned in any church service, devotional, or conference. They are talking to me, better listen up! The speaker concocts a string of sentences on a life stage from which they are far removed. I kind of wonder if every preacher goes to some ‘How to Talk to Single People’ seminar where they unanimously decide “marriage is so great, there is no way a single person can be at peace without it.” Thus the list of buzzwords is born and recited religiously. Like rounding the bases of a baseball diamond, every speaker spouts off ‘singlehood’, ‘contentment’, ‘security’ before sliding into home. The words ‘single’ and ‘content’ have practically been married at the pulpit. I rarely hear one without the other. ‘Contentment’ is the chosen theme for every unmarried person, whether we like it or not. CRINGE.
Now don’t get me wrong, contentment is important. And I am by no means delegitimizing the struggle to find contentment in singlehood. As a single woman in her mid-20s (does 27 still count as “mid”?!), I can attest to the challenge.
So, if contentment is a wrestling match for many single people, then why do single’s lessons on contentment make me cringe?
1. Contentment is a Low Calling
Personally, I find ‘contentment in your singlehood’ to be a low calling.
As you turn the pages of your Bible while you drink your morning coffee, you are often reading the words and stories of single men and women- Paul being the crown jewel of single men in the Bible (other than Jesus, OF COURSE!). Religion aside, Paul is often listed as one of the most influential people to have ever walked the face of this planet. His impact on our world is that profound. He wrote much of the New Testament, traveled on missionary journeys, started churches, trained and mentored other Christians, taught, preached, and so much more. I wonder how many lessons Paul listened to on being ‘content’ in his ‘singlehood’?
Paul lived one of the most incredible lives. He lists some of his credentials in 2 Corinthians 11:23-29. This list includes being in danger from rivers and bandits, being pelted with stones, going hungry and without sleep, etc. Paul’s life was one of deep adventure, meaning, and impact. I doubt his prayers were dedicated to the search for peace regarding his relationship status. Instead, he was busy getting shipwrecked, building friendships, traveling to new cities, being thrown into prison, seeing lives changed, writing letters, and everything in between.
Why are we so bent on calling singles to contentment when we could be calling them to live a life like Paul? Have we ignored 1 Corinthians 7:32-34, “I would like you to be free from concern. An unmarried man is concerned about the Lord’s affairs—how he can please the Lord. But a married man is concerned about the affairs of this world—how he can please his wife— and his interests are divided.”? Paul regarded singlehood as a gift as it allows full focus on the works that God has prepared for us. Do we, as a church, treat singlehood this way? Do we speak about it as a gift, or as a burden to temporarily bear?
I want to hear single’s lessons that passionately invite us to utilize our undivided time to tap into the gifts that God has given us. I want to hear sermons that call us into adventures with God. I want to hear devotionals that challenge us to live beyond our comfort zone. I, a single woman, want to do things for God. I want to be excited to see the privilege of the stage of life that I am living. Rather than sending me home to pray about my contentment, send me out into the world to make a difference.
Paul highlighted what single people had instead of what they lacked. Help us to see what we have.
2. Contentment Is Not a ‘Singles Only’ Issue
Every time I hear another lesson on how I need to be content, I wonder if we have all just collectively decided that only single people struggle with contentment (and purity… but I will save that for a different rant).
The Bible does talk about contentment. Often indirectly, but many of the direct references to contentment I have come across actually highlight the relationship between contentment and money (1 Timothy 6:6-12, Luke 3:14). Last I checked… we all have relationships with money.
Furthermore, one of Paul’s most famous passages discusses his personal battle with contentment:
“I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well-fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through him who gives me strength.” (Philippians 4:11-13).
Paul was familiar with the lifelong battle of searching for contentment. Personally, when I read about Paul’s life, I assume he learned much of this while sitting in prison, being flogged for his faith, traveling to yet another new city, experiencing extreme hunger, being praised for his ministry, etc. I kind of doubt his relationship status was at the top of the list of things keeping him up at night. Maybe it was. But either way, he had plenty of things in life that pushed him to learn how to lean into God when life wasn’t exactly what he had hoped for.
The secret to being content? It is found in verse 13. God strengthens us. So, to my married friends, if you want to help us single people be content in our life stage, show us how you’ve learned to be content in yours.
When we only hear this topic paired with our life stage, it begins to send us a message that we lack something, that we are missing out, and that our life will only truly begin after we walk down the aisle. But contentment is a life-long battle that doesn’t suddenly end once we cut our wedding cake.
3. The Aggressive Theme of Contentment Highlights Our Cultural Idolatry
Everywhere I turn, I am inundated with messaging about marriage, relationships, etc. It is hard to find a movie nowadays without at least a love-story subplot. Magazines, t.v. shows, music, and advertisements teach us that a beautiful love story should be our life’s goal. When we hear “happily ever after” we automatically envision wedding bells. A happy ending cannot be a woman who went on a wonderful European adventure or a man who worked his butt off to get his tech start-up off of the ground. Happiness only comes with a spouse. Apparently.
Psalm 115:8 talks about the dangers of idolatry, “Those who make them become like them, as do all who trust in them.” Our culture has built an idol, and we are in danger of becoming like this idol. We are in danger of seeking our fulfillment in romance rather than in God.
Doesn’t this mean we should talk about contentment in God more? I think the question is less about whether or not we should talk about contentment (as I have pointed out, it is a biblical concept that we all wrestle with) and more about how we talk about it.
Instead of teaching us to ball up our fists and hold our breath while we wait for God to give us the perfect spouse, teach us to seek our help, support, and value in God. This lesson transcends singlehood. I will be the first to admit that I find it easy to seek my support from my friends and family over God at times. I need to learn this lesson regardless of my relationship status.
When we constantly highlight the theme of contentment in singlehood, we can indirectly communicate that God is a contentment band-aid that will tide us over until our marriage provides us with true contentment. When we only hear contentment paired with relationship status, we are inadvertently being told that marriage will make us content. Since when was marriage my savior?
I can’t tell you how often I have people ask me why I am “still single” like it is some sort of disease. Oh and my absolute favorite, “I wanted a husband so badly, but it wasn’t until I was content that God gave me one.” I wonder if all married people assume that we single people must not be content. If we were content, then God would surely bless us with a spouse. Apparently, He only gives us what we want when we no longer want it (I hope my sarcasm is clear). It is subtle, but once again, our cultural idols begin to show in these statements. It is as if a spouse is our heavenly gift for good behavior.
To share vulnerably, I have experienced two very intense heartbreaks in the past 3 years. Love hasn’t necessarily been the kindest to me. As I watch friend after friend meet the man or woman of their dreams, I have wondered what I am being punished for. God, haven’t I been so faithful to you? I am often tempted to view marriage as a spiritual reward when God has been my true reward all along. When we choose to talk about contentment, our focus should be on helping people fall in love with God rather than pointing out what they do not have. Instead of “Hold on a little bit longer!”, why don’t we try, “Look at how amazing God is!”
The truth is, I love my life. I love playing volleyball every week with my friends. I love that I can spontaneously go out of town whenever I feel like it. I have been to four countries in the past 10 months. That is pretty cool! I am pouring my heart into my job and I adore my coworkers. I am considering getting another Master’s Degree. I spend time studying the Bible with other women. And sometimes I go to a concert on a Tuesday night. Blah blah blah. Do I want to get married someday? Yes, I would love that. Am I happy right now? Absolutely. If it shocks you that a single lady like myself can be content, happy, and fulfilled, then this rant is for you! (Sorry, not sorry). I drive home blasting my music and singing at the top of my lungs and think about how grateful I am for this solitary moment with myself. Conversely, I have moments where I crave to hear the voice of another singing from the passenger seat. Both can be true. Being content as a single woman (or man) can be a struggle. But it isn’t a miracle. And it certainly shouldn’t be a shock.
“Those who seek the Lord lack no good thing.” – Psalm 34:10b
So, What Do We Do?
So yes, lessons on contentment in the context of my relationship status make me cringe. The answer isn’t to stop addressing single people or to push us aside as a group that you just don’t know what to do with. (We are single, not aliens). Neither is the answer to stop talking about contentment or acknowledging the often very painful and real struggle that singlehood can be. How, then, can you help the single people in your lives?
- Help us to see our higher calling. True contentment doesn’t have to be taught when we are living our highest calling of loving our God with everything (Luke 10:27).
- Study the Bible with single people. LOL. But seriously, a lot of us would love to get married to a wonderful man or woman of God someday. By sharing your faith and life with this demographic, you help us!
- Seek the input of the single people in your life. Paul, a single man, trained countless men and women (and not just single men and women…). In fact, if you are a Bible-reading Christian, you take advice from the unmarried every day. Just because we are single doesn’t mean we lack insight. Our inherent value isn’t tied to our relationship status.
- And to throw in one for good measure- hire single people in your church! And not just for the ‘single’s ministry.’ After all, we have the most undivided time! Imagine if they hadn’t “hired” Paul because he was unmarried…
Single people,
- Paul commands Timothy to not allow anyone to look down on him because he is young (1 Timothy 4:12). The onus was on Timothy to live a life worthy of respect. And the same goes for us. We cannot allow anyone to look down on us because of our singleness. That is our responsibility. Maybe we’d start hearing fewer lessons on being content if we started showing everyone that we are.
- Don’t wait for someone to call you to make a difference. Do you want to lead a women’s Bible study? Do it. What’s stopping you? Don’t wait around for permission to live out God’s calling for your life. God already gave that to you.
- And finally- Be content! Lol! For real. Fall in love with God. Learn to see all the privileges of the life you are living now. Don’t wait around for a partner, live your life!
As we call our single brothers and sisters to contentment, let’s be thoughtful in our approach and how it might reflect the idols of our culture. It is God who rescues us, not marriage.
Proverbs 19:23 The fear of the LORD leads to life; then one rests content, untouched by trouble.
